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Please read this! Easy 10 points to first decent answer!?
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5 Responses to Please read this! Easy 10 points to first decent answer!?
i like it you said some good things and some bad things that need to be changed but i give it a B
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That was really good. It’s inspiring, well written, and flows extremely well. I normally have tons of suggestions and critique for writers on this site, but yours seems like it’s already polished nicely. I think it will do very nicely in a speech and it has all the right things to motivate people.
I enjoyed this. 10 Stars if I could.
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you really need some commas.
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you know what , I am at the contest too and I finish writing mine
I know I couldn’t get the ten points but that’s ok . Your is great ! I am only in sixth grade . I like the beginning it makes an image in my mind.
Good job !!! 5/5 stars
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I really like it =)
“Through history, the United States of America has ridden on the train of optimism. Great people such as; Harriet Tubman, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, Florence Nightingale, Bill Gates, Barack Obama and so many more great people who have been an inspiration to our country and have made it down in history all had or have a secret weapon, hard work and optimism”
That part though seems just a tad long. Also, try instead of people, put in Americans. Try categorizing the people.
Like, “Throughout history the United States of America has ridden on the train of optimism. These great Americans include people such as; Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman and Ronald Reagan who helped to keep the peace and justice on our land, and even in the world. To Florence Nightingale who fought for improved medical care, and to Bill Gates who gave us a window into the future. Even now we add a new person to our lists of shining stars, Barack Obama who has risen to take on the economical struggle. The aspect that link all of these great people together is that they aspired us, drove us to become better, kept our hope up when it seemed the sun would never rise again. What they had most in common, is that in them they all held a secret weapon. Their strength, hard work and optimism that one day their own struggle would make the life of at least one person better.”
I couldnt do much, but try to separate the names and give a few words on who they are. I know who Bill Gates is, but I had noooo idea who or what Florence did. This way it seems less like a run on, and by reading or saying allowed, it will seem less messy.
Instead of using conjunctions like “won’t” and “isn’t”, try writing the whole word out instead of combining them. My 12th grade teacher despised them, he always said a person who used them was just lazy, and a person who didnt was brilliant. It also seems more grown up and mature.
Other than that I think its great! I want to be a teacher when I ‘grow up’ so I love reading over stuff.
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